


It's Not Gay if it's the Academy

by SimonTamSherlockBabe, SnailWrites (SymbioteSpideypool)



Category: Sparks Nevada Marshal on Mars, The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 16:04:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4398338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimonTamSherlockBabe/pseuds/SimonTamSherlockBabe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SymbioteSpideypool/pseuds/SnailWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It looks like there ain’t much changed since we last left our heroes, arguin’ about Martian pronunciation…"</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not Gay if it's the Academy

**Folksy Hal:** Kids, shine your astro spurs and don your robot fists, ‘cause it’s time for our first thrilling adventure: Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars! Justice rides a rocket steed across the crimson plains of the fourth planet, where one man brings fear to robots and aliens, and hope to the humans who make this frontier planet their home. He is: Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars.  
**Sparks:** I’m… from Earth.  
**Folksy Hal:** Sparks Nevada rights the outlaw wrongs on Mars.  
[♫Theme Song♫]  
**Narrator:** It looks like there ain’t much changed since we last left our heroes, arguin’ about Martian pronunciation…  
**Sparks:** No, because you’re like this, “It is I Croach the unfunny Martian.”  
**Croach:** You did not pronounce it correctly.  
**Sparks:** What? Yes I did.  
It's Croach  
**Croach:** No. That is not it either.  
**Sparks:** Croach.  
**Croach:** Nope.  
**Sparks:** Croach.  
**Croach:** Please stop. We can discuss your butchering of my language at another time.  
**Sparks:** Yeah sure, nanotech.  
**Croach:** IT IS PRONOUNCED NAN'NAO TECH.  
**Sparks:** It’s nanotech.  
**Croach:** Which YOU designate nanotech.  
**Sparks:** Everyone calls it nanotech.  
**Croach:** No, Sparks Nevada. Only you do.  
**Sparks:** Whatever you say… Croach.  
**Croach:** …  
I believe that was the human conversational tool designated sarcasm.  
**Sparks:** It wasn't.  
**Croach:** …  
Sparks Nevada, I find it hard to believe you.  
**Sparks:** Well, suck it up, buttercup.  
**Croach:** Your insult has made your onus to me greater.  
**Sparks:** Yeah...  
Whatever.  
**Croach:** Sparks Nevada you will pay attention to me when I am calculating out your accumulated onus to me!  
Why are you still walking away?  
THIS WILL ONLY INCREASE YOUR ONUS TO ME!  
**Sparks:** Whatevs.  
**Croach:** That is not an appropriate response to finish a conversation that has no intention of being finished  
**Sparks:** Hey, can you download EarthTunes from here? Or do I need to be… closer.  
**Croach:** And I believe that you are starting to avoid any meaningful conversation in an attempt to run from your fear of commitment  
AN ONUS IS A COMMITMENT SPARKS NEVADA.  
IT.  
IS.  
A.  
COMMITMENT.  
**Sparks:** WHAT FEAR OF COMMITMENT?  
I don’t fear commitment.  
**Croach:** Yes, yes you do. Your fear is extensively catalogued and analyzed by the great writer, Rebecca Rose Rushmore-  
**Sparks:** Oh, no. We’re not going there.  
**Croach:** -in this book that I have in my satchel.  
It is quite good despite your "petty man-child tantrums" that frequent the pages.  
Quite insightful.  
**Sparks:** Wait…  
Petty man-child tantrums?  
**Croach:** Yes she says that in page 234, paragraph 3.  
Oh, and in chapter 37 she details an account of how you spent an entire month weeping like a youngling over your breaking of relationship status.  
Is it true that you would leave Rebecca Rose Rushmore desperate phone calls at odd hours of the morning in which you complained that you were not afraid of commitment?  
**Sparks:** Wait, let me see that!  
**Croach:** Because that is totally something that you would do.  
**Sparks:** Is not!  
**Croach:** Yes it is.  
…  
It’s father towards the back  
It starts around page 435.  
And continues on until page 500.  
I had not known the human language was so versatile as to be able to describe pitiful yearning in so many different ways.  
Your speech patterns have never given me that impression before, Sparks Nevada.  
I believe you would need a thus'areus to remedy that.  
**Sparks:** Shut up Croach!  
**Croach:** I have heard that reading is also said to improve a human vocabulary.  
I would recommend some of Miss Rushmore's other books.  
**Sparks:** No.  
**Croach:** She wrote this one about her ex-boyfriend from Venus that came back to pursue her after she left Mars.  
**Sparks:** Stop.  
I don't wanna hear about no ex boyfriends.  
**Croach:** He had become the sole heir to the throne.  
**Sparks:** Stop.  
**Croach:** I have learned so much about human mating rituals through her novels.  
It is quite interesting.  
Although you humans seem to be horribly inconvenient.  
You lay eggs within your females.  
That.  
That right there is gross.  
**Sparks:** No. No, no no no no Croach.  
That is not what happens, like, at all.  
**Croach:** Well, why else do human spawn burst from your females' innards?  
I am quite sure that there has to be an egg for human spawn to be present.  
**Sparks:** Well, yeah. It's...it's an egg, but not like a gross reptile thing.  
It's like a cell.  
**Croach:** ...  
Sparks Nevada, I am not a "gross reptile thing."  
My egg sacks are beautiful.  
**Sparks:** No, no they aren’t.  
They’re disgusting.  
**Croach:** And you have human spawn burst from your females!  
Who is the gross one now? Huh?  
**Sparks:** Still you.  
**Croach:** That is logically impossible.  
I have just described a much more gross phenomenon.  
I do not even understand how your females live long enough to produce more than one offspring with their continual bursting.  
**Sparks:** Because we don't burst out of eggs like gross little sleestacks.  
**Croach:** Sparks Nevada, I do not understand what a sleestack is.  
And a hatching is a miraculous event.  
**Sparks:** It's from an old American television program.  
**Croach:** …  
What is an "American television program?"  
**Sparks:** TV...  
**Croach:** ...like the holovision?  
It is a holovision program?  
**Sparks:** Yessss?  
**Croach:** I do not remember anything about sleestacks on the holovision.  
**Sparks:** It's from Land of the Lost  
**Croach:** Of the lost what?  
Sparks Nevada what does this have to do with bursting eggs?  
**Sparks:** Well, there's these gross lizard things, sort of look like you.  
**Croach:** Sparks Nevada that is extremely offensive and has placed you under onus to my people  
**Sparks:** It's true.  
**Croach:** Your onus to my people has increased.  
**Sparks:** Go figure.  
**Croach:** Figure what? Your onus? I have already done that.  
**Sparks:** Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's increased.  
**Croach:** You are correct.  
**Sparks:** Go fucking figure.  
**Croach:** Sparks Nevada that is incredibly rude.  
**Sparks:** Fuck.  
Fuck.  
Fuck.  
Fuckity, fuck.  
**Croach:** Fig'ure the hat maker is not my partner.  
**Sparks:** What?  
**Croach:** Fig'ure the hatmaker.  
**Sparks:** What dumb name is that?  
**Croach:** He made your oddly shaped hats.  
I have introduced you to him twice  
**Sparks:** Really?  
**Croach:** We had lunch with him last week.  
He was the one in the feather boa.  
It was green and glittery.  
And quite tasteful.  
**Sparks:** Are you gay, Croach?  
**Croach:** By your limited human terms? No.  
**Sparks:** Okay.  
**Croach:** Although Fig'ure the hat maker did proposition you last time you placed an order.  
I now realize that by our difference in mating rituals, and your tendency to be oblivious to the majority of social cues, you may have not realized.  
**Sparks:** Wait.  
He wanted to have sex with me?  
**Croach:** Yes, among other things.  
You should apologize to him to absolve you of your onus for rudely turning him down  
**Sparks:** I didn't know!  
And I'm not bisexual or gay!  
I'm a rough and ready straight guy.  
Well except for that one night at the Academy…  
**Croach:** Sparks Nevada, we do not have "sexualities" among my people.  
Your over denial is needless.  
**Sparks:** Over denial?!  
IT WAS ONE TIME!  
**Croach:** A simple “I am not physically attracted to Fig'ure the hat maker even though I visit his shop every other week and often share the midday eating ritual with him” will suffice.  
This seems to be the same argument detailed by Rebecca Rose Rushmore in her novel after asking if you were secretly gay in chapter 36.  
**Sparks:** WHAT CHAPTER?! I TOLD YOU ONE TIME! IT WAS ONCE TIME AT THE ACADEMY! I AM NOT GAY! WHAT DOES SHE KNOW!?  
**Croach:** Well she did go back through the academy records and seek out one Jim Andrews for an interview.  
**Sparks:** Maybe twice...  
Wait Jim!!!  
Oh no, no no no.  
**Croach:** Sparks Nevada, you seem distressed.  
**Sparks:** God not Jim...  
**Croach:** If it will put your mind at ease at all, he was not an enjoyable character.  
Though he was the successful and rich owner of the Pluto planet spa and vacation destination.  
**Sparks:** Why?  
Why?  
**Croach:** He and his husband inherited the planet from his father in law and marketed, I believe his words were "marketed the ever loving shit out of that thing."  
I just didn't like him because he hates the color blue.  
**Sparks:** God, why him?  
How did she know about him?  
**Croach:** Oh! I know the answer to that one!  
**Sparks:** I doubt that.  
**Croach:** In Rebecca Rose Rushmore's book, towards the end of chapter 38, she says that you had left a message defending your "fragile masculinity" by babbling several drunken messages about how "totally straight" you were and how Jim did not count because that was the academy.  
**Sparks:** Well he doesn't who you date at the Academy doesn't count.  
**Croach:** Sparks Nevada, I am fairly certain that is not how relationships work.  
**Sparks:** What d’you mean?  
It's like an unspoken rule there.  
**Croach:** You performed the human mating ritual with Jim.  
I hardly think location can distort that.  
**Sparks:** But it doesn't count!  
**Croach:** Sparks Nevada, you seem to be afraid of admitting you enjoyed the relationship you had with Jim.  
Perhaps more so than the failed relationships you have pursued with mostly human females.  
**Sparks:** I, uh, it's not like it was serious, well not super serious.... It's not like we had ever discussed marriage or anything....  
**Croach:** Marriage?  
The obsolete human bonding ritual?  
No, I said you enjoyed it more.  
**Sparks:** Huh?  
**Croach:** Your emotions were accessible, and you did not fear commitment as you do now.  
**Sparks:** So you're saying I had a better relationship and temporary engagement to Jim than I’ll ever have with a woman?  
**Croach:** I believe you are capable of developing stronger emotional connections with males of your species than females.  
But you obviously find both attractive, if your embarrassing search history is anything to go by. There exists the private browsing designation-  
**Sparks:** I know!  
**Croach:** To put it in simple terms that you will better understand, my people think you are gay.  
My onus to them is now relieved as I have told you for them.  
**Sparks:** I'm not gay!  
**Croach:** But you are also not not gay?  
**Sparks:** What are you trying to tell me Croach?  
**Croach:** That you will be more successful in pursuing a relationship with a male.  
Oh look! Here comes Fig'ure the hatmaker.  
Who is totally into you.  
**Sparks:** …  
**Croach:** I will now walk this way.  
And leave you.  
To talk to him.  
Alone.  
**Sparks:** Oh my god! Why?  
**Croach:** I'm sorry sparks Nevada I am now too far to hear you clearly!  
**Sparks:** Christ, hi Fig'ure.

**Author's Note:**

> This actually stemmed from an impromptu skype roleplay in which I accidentally destroyed both me and my friend's headcanons for a straight Sparks Nevada. Bisexual homoromantic Sparks just makes so much sense.


End file.
